I remember one time when I was a teenager, I had a very peculiar dream. I was in a white office, behind a desk, dressed in a navy blue suit and skirt, with high heels, and I was talking to a small group of people, giving instructions of some kind.
Well, I knew I wanted to be this sort of office executive. And when I turned 26, my dream came true. The white office, the desk, the group of people - the works.
During my preteens and teens, I used to have these kinds of dreams. Whether I was sleepwalking or daydreaming, I often dreamed about specific situations. I had them for a specific job, for the type of man I wanted to marry, I even dreamt about my son. I knew since I was 17 that I wanted to have a boy. And I did, and I also married the man of my dreams.
It's been a while since I've had these positive omens. For the past three years, I've been stressed out, worrying about the "what ifs," the "buts," and the barriers. I'm at a point in my life that I feel I was meant for more. My spirit aches inside, knowing there's so much to do, but I still feel trapped, longing to BE more.
Be who? Do what? It's so frustrating sometimes. I know I can do many things, but I can't seem to pinpoint the starting line. Why don't I settle for what I have, who I am? From time to time, I get this overwhelming feeling of losing myself to conformity, but I refuse to follow that path. I want more, I wish for more.
Being a mom has given me great joy. Should I have more babies to keep me occupied? Being a self-employed professional has given me a sense of control over my finances. Should I open a business with the minimum requirements? Being a student has been awesome. Should I apply for a scholarship, or get a second job to pay for my education? Where should I leave my son during those times? My husband is busy, with no family around. Babysitters are so expensive, and daycare, too.
Barriers, barriers, barriers.
Oh God! How I need my positive omens right now.
I've searched, investigated, thought about it, asked around, talked to friends and family, consulted the experts... I've found many things I like to do, to become. Then again, the barriers come up, and then nothing seems right, nothing seems to fit anymore. Then, should I settle with this feeling creeping inside me, telling me from the back of my head: DO MORE, BE MORE, GET MORE?
